Tip #2: Ah, the great outdoors. I just love it. From the inside of my house with a glass of very dry red wine, some aged cheddar and a sleeping 32 year old on my lap. Oh, some ‘tweens might be reading this list. Just tell them I was being a little naughty about the cheese. But seriously, Walter’s (the non 23 year old husband) idea of spring cleaning is getting out there in the dirt and waking up the worms and then asking me to plant bulbs. I don’t even want to think about what those nasty creatures have done in the dirt and he wants me to get mud under my nails. I think not. Pass the damn bottle. Please.

Tip # 3: The closet prayer didn’t work? Here are some last-resort tricks you can call on. When you try zipping your favorite summer capris, lie flat on your back and use pliers to gently coerce the zipper up. Don’t do this activity alone because you will need help getting off the bed. Accidentally poke another hole in your summer belt (this could have been avoided if only you had used a long flowing scarf in your belt loops last year). Extend your waistline with a simple little elastic band in your button hole. Try to color coordinate it.

Tip #4: Ah, with the windows wide open in the before mentioned house and that good old country air filling my lungs, I want to jump in the car and visit all the malls on the east coast. Don’t even think about putting a paint can near me. I don’t care if Nantucket Misty Blue brings out my eye color (and pray tell how will that happen – my baby blues are brown with yellow highlights), I don’t want to paint. I think we should hire people to do it. Yes, I have heard about the economy and all its faults, but does that mean I have to pick up a brush and try not to paint the molding? Well, there is that Mall that Laurie likes so much so maybe I will consider helping out. And for the record, let’s got one thing straight – I don’t have a good side.

Tip # 5: Start collecting boxes because you are going to be doing spring cleaning. You’ll need a huge box for all the damn clothes that no longer fit you, a smaller box for all the crap on your desk, an even smaller box for the stuff in your junk drawer and maybe just a paper bag for all the makeup and nail polish you bought this year that you wouldn’t be caught dead in now. And then top off your box collection with a large heavy-duty garbage bag. You’ll be using that to remove all the deconstructed boxes because let’s get real…you are never going to get around to actually cleaning.

Tip #6: Some fool said if you have not worn it in the last 6 months – get rid of it. If you were any closer, I would slap you. My clothes and shoes are not going anywhere. My clothes are like my children. And so are my cats, and my books and my CDs. Maybe you will have to explain spring cleaning to me again. Speak slowly. I was a natural blond as a child.

Tip # 7: Get rid of all the low-calorie, fat-reduced hot chocolate mix that really never tasted like hot chocolate and replace it with low-calorie, fat-reduced lemonade mix that is so tart that your lips will stay puckered all summer. For an immediate pick-me-up, mix them both together. Now those paper bags you bought for your spring cleaning will come in handy as barf bags.

Tip #8: Get together with the neighbors and have a community garage sale. Take the money you raise and donate it to a local charity. That does work for me because charity does begin at home. I have not forgotten all those malls on the east coast that need me to stimulate their economy.

Tip # 9: Postpone the inevitable. Alaskan cruises are all the rage; Icelandic sheep coats are nature-ally beautiful; you can even find snow in the mountains of Utah all year round. Grab your oversized, flaw-hiding, perfect excuse winter clothes and your packages of hot chocolate and head for the hills!

Tip #10: Laurie, I do like the layered look when I go on an Alaskan cruise.  Especially if it includes seven layers with a side of double fudge brownie ice cream.

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