Here is what I don’t want to hear this holiday season:
I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts this year.
Those trousers do make you butt look big. (followed by a single gun shot. I am acquitted).
I thought you liked fruit cake.
We are doing an ugliest Christmas sweater contest this year.
You can get women’s clothing using a Cabela’s gift card. Refer back to #2 on my list.
The turkey was not cooked thoroughly. That shade of blue on your face really brings out your eyes.
That insane, screaming woman in red with the flattest butt I have ever seen shows up on my TV screen. This is not coming from being jealous, but if you didn’t see the Black Friday commercial (over and over and over again) then you will have no idea what I am talking about. Now, I am jealous about that. Yes, Target, I want to thank you for bringing back into my nightmares every boggy woman who ever tried to slip me in between my mattress and inner spring when I was a young girl. That totally insane blond lunatic who screamed about sales wins the cracked (with sharp, potentially deadly edges) ornament award. I hope she is a bleeder. If you see her on the Christmas commercials – stare directly into the sun. It will be less painful.
I know I should boycott TV during this time of the year, but then I wouldn’t know how many women didn’t rat out a politician until he was running for president. It’s okay to let the vermin out of the trap when he is relatively unknown. You better not get a book deal. The heads of every deserving future author will be exploding to the 12 Days of Christmas.
Why does every holiday song have to be re-recorded? I know I will be stalked by Justin Bibber fans, but you can’t listen to the classics? They are really quite good. Call me old-fashioned. No, I take that back. Come to my house and let’s compare the versions. I’ll take out my Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas album and let’s see who wins. And then we can share a bowl of spiked egg nog while singing along to the Gangster Rap Oh Holy Night CD.
Now that Gadhafi, Bin Laden and Saddam are dead, I would like to add people who put viruses into your computer on the shoot to kill list. I would gladly give them their last cigarette. I have two computers with all my writings and artwork in for virus cleansing and deluxe exorcism. I am writing on my laptop and because I have long fingers, I keep hitting the caps lock key. It really makes it fun to type knowing that my spELL check will be mocking me and it takes me five minutes to get through ONE SENTENCE. I just don’t have the strength to fix thAt.
I posted a version of the opening paragraph on Facebook the other day and I got this comment from someone who does not SHare my political views: But…but…but — you’re a peacenik, peace-loving, give-everyone-A-HUG Liberal! Well, you know the old saying, “A Conservative is a Liberal who’s been mugged.” Oh PlEASE! @#$%^&!!!
And since I am in a ranting, pissy, I am going to set my hair on fire kind of mood I got to say that what I said had nada to do with politics. It has to do with bad people who live in the parents’ basement after the age of 40, who never dated and who rarely shower. They sit in their lair and dream about dating some starlet while corrupting other people’s computer. I bet some of them might even vote… for the best recipes using road kill.
I think, no, I know I can keep all MY liberal and compassionate leanings and still want to gather the townspeople to run these virus vampires out of town…or at least out of my hard drive.
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