Before I go into my rant about Tina Fey, who is a close and personal friend of mine….not, I just want you to know that I was on my Twitter page and my “Who to follow” showed Mitt Romney. Where is my mother ship and how can I get back home to Toto? He needs to be walked.

Okay, let’s go back to my version of reality. Fractured as it might be.

Tina Fey is a very funny and talented woman. Really. She has honed her comedic skills by performing in front of four drunks at 3 AM and now is an award winning actress, comedian, writer and producer who lives in New York City with her husband and two children. I can only imagine that her apartment is quite spacious with a killer view and I bet she eats in fabulous bistros and restaurants every night. I suspect she even gets manicures and pedicures every week – a sure sign of someone who has arrived. Even Maxim magazine called Tina “hot” and People magazine proclaimed “one of the most beautiful.” And I am okay with that. I just want to be called “hot” one more time before I go to the, “My, we were bitter about other people’s successes, weren’t we?” section of purgatory.

What the hell did I do wrong? Tina is even listed in Wikipedia where you can read about all her amazing accomplishments. I find the best time for me to do that is while sitting in my refrigerator and finishing up a jar of outdated mayonnaise. Oh, like I am the only one who does that? Silly me, I thought  that ieating inside an actual refrigerator was being considered for the 2016 Olympics. Note to self – get the low fat mayo. Sweat pants are getting snug.

Now, when Tina was 10 years old (I just threw up a little in my mouth) I tried out to be a writer for SNL. A friend called and said they were looking for writers and performers so I sat down in my east village apartment with no view and a bathtub in the kitchen and sent a very convincing letter. Yes, the type of letter that goes into an envelope and needs a stamp before Mr. Mailman will take it. My three strongest points for being considered as a writer were 1) I was doing this for my mother. 2) I would never wear blue eye shadow while on stage or anywhere else for that matter. I thought Lorne Michaels would jump at that one talent. 3) I would never eat tuna fish during rehearsals.

I sat back and waited for my acceptance letter. And it came. 

“Unfortunately, we do not have a position open for you at this time as we are fully staffed. Will your mother ever understand?”  Lauri thanked me for my humorous letter and wished me the best of luck. I googled Ms. Lauri – nothing came up. Perhaps she is spending some quality time in upstate New York?

And I am okay with that because of all the successes I have had, the one that is close to the top is that rejection letter from SNL. On the other hand, it annoys me so much that I keep it framed in my office. And it mocks me.

One thing very few people know is that Tina stole my memoir. Bossypants was originally about a tall Italian/Irish girl who worked in comedy clubs in NYC and was once compared to a young Woody Allen. And I am wondering Maxim won’t consider me to be “hot?” The publishers changed their minds at the last minute and Tina got $659.27 for it. The only thing that remains of me are my arms on the cover.

Nothing seems to stop Tina and she will probably be first lady of France one day. And when that happens, I will be expecting a call from Lorne Michaels. I might not answer on the first ring. And you know damn well that I am going to be chowing down with a nice big bowl of tuna fish.

© 2012 My Views from the Edge ™

You can become a fan of mine on Facebook at:  elizabeth cassidy Views from the Edge with a Slice of Reality

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I am anxious to see what will be gracing my bookshelves in 2012. Yes, I have to say that there wasn’t a kindle of any version under my tree this year. In fact, I didn’t ask for one.  I know, I know.  My people just got used to using electricity and driving cars and now they want us to give up books.  I just can’t. My therapist says it is because I am afraid of change. Hey, I got a Smartphone and still can’t get my emails, so leave me alone. The guy at the store said to play with it. So I put a curly wig on it and I call it Cindy, my special friend.

Where was I?

Yes, in 2012, there will be a glut of new books coming out to either numb our brains or tickle them a little so we can handle heavy equipment in the form of a book with a cover, pages, an airbrushed headshot and a spine. Where’s the spine on a Kindle?

So since I have a lot of free time on my hands because the economy has forsaken me, I thought I would talk about some books I doubt you will be reading in 2012. 

1)      I am an honest politician by….  What happens when you find a truthful, no-cheating on his wife, no deep pockets to hold the taxpayers ‘money, no bad dye job kind of man who wants to run for office? You don’t find one, you silly rabbit. The premise of this book is about why a woman should be president. They all know that shoveling money into their pockets will make their hips look wide, so they would never ever do that. And their hairdressers would become vice president because we all know they are good at keeping quiet for a 20% tip. And on a personal note, Javier Bardem could be my secretary of me, being in a very good state of mind.

 2)      Kourtney, Kim and Khloe Kardashian: If their Spanx could talk. This is the follow up to this Klan’s first book called…I just can’t name it. You might innocently walk into your local bookstore, fall over the display where their books are stacked and then buy them all out of guilt because the bookstore owner developed chest pains. But I will say this –  Hey girlfriends, Cassidy is spelt with a C and not a K. Don’t make my ancestors flip over in their graves. They weren’t all that nice when they were alive.

3)      Other uses for an ex-husband/ex-wife. I asked for suggestions and not one person could come up with anything useful although a cannon ball was suggested.

4)      I can help myself. Thank you very much. Is this the end of self help books? I sincerely think not, but in my house I need to bid a sweet adieu. I lost one of my cats, my last pack of cigarettes (withdrawal might be fun for others), my favorite book of break up lines, the secret to Burger King’s special sauce, and my dignity because my house looks like a lost episode of A&E’s Hoarders due to piles and piles of books. So from now on, I will solve my own problems. But if you need help dealing with everything from narcissism to narcolepsy, do I have a book for you.

5)      Robert Redford: The Biography. My bad. This book came out last May, but I still think it warrants being mentioned here. When no one is home, I sometimes propped the book (cover side up) on a pillow on my bed and I sit and chat with Bob for hours. He is quite the conversationalist. You don’t even have to open the book. Less chance of suffering from a nasty paper cut.

6)      My book by me. How can I write my book if I am spending all my time at Facebook Anonymous meetings?

©2012 My Views from the Edge

Please visit my site: My Views From The Edge

You can become a fan of mine on Facebook at:  elizabeth cassidy Views from the Edge with a Slice of Reality

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I have to say that there are a lot of impressive women in the world today who are making the world a better place. We just don’t know them by name or face, but they are out there: Sheryl Sandberg, Angela Merkel, Sonia Gandhi, Jill Abramson, Cristina Fernandez, Cher Wang and the list goes on and on. To be honest, I had to look most of them up so now you can, also.

In 2011, these women (and millions more) went about their lives and their businesses without bringing shame to themselves, their families and women all over the world. As far as I know, none of them forgot to wear underwear while making an appearance in court or lifted a necklace from a high end jewelry shop while the security cameras rolled. Hey, I am sure there is a skeleton or two lurking in their closets (I had to build an extension to my house to hold the overflow from my life) because none of us are so, so squeaky clean. But I think most of us are not making complete jackasses out of ourselves as a way of making a livelihood.  

Sadly, there are a few who have turned public stupidity into an art form and have confused the minds of young girls all over the world. I am glad I had role models like Gloria Steinem, Geraldine Ferraro, Betty Freidan and Betty Ford and not the women that make the news today. None of them were saints, but they were truly inspiring, sexy by living in their own skin, intelligent, and probably the center of attention at parties because of the full lives they led.

I have young nieces that I would love to see impact the world for the better, cherish their bodies and adore their minds and go after what will make them feel whole. They are bright and full of potential and don’t need the likes of the women who made the news over and over again for all the wrong reasons in 2011. All these young women were successful at doing was sending the wrong sound bites to the girls and young woman of today.

It needs to  change and if that means you need to go away then Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Snooki, and Linsday don’t let the door hit your overly photographed butt on your way out of the public’s consciousness.

I have to bring up one more thing that made my head spin a bit this year concerning women. To know me, is to know that I delight in using a slew of words that would make my sainted grandmother roll over in her grave. I do like to get your attention and hold it or make you think and if that means peppering up my repertoire a bit – so be it. But I know when to stop and I know that there are words that should never, ever be uttered by women.

The movie, Bridesmaids boasted an ensemble of women comediennes and actresses and a very cute cop. It was somewhat amusing, but not really memorable. I am a Woody Allen groupie so I did not love some of the low brow antics in the movie but I was glad to see a group of strong performances by a group of women. And then they went a ruined it for me by using the “c” word. Did you have to? Did you have to use a word so vile, so insulting to women just for a freaking laugh? BTW – it wasn’t funny at all. It sucked.

I demand better from all of us in 2012 and I am willing to start with myself because that is the only way things will ever change.

But I am not hopeful. I can only imagine what  Bridesmaids Part Two will do to make women feel insulted and cheapened. And God help us if Kim gets married again.

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Here is what I don’t want to hear this holiday season:

I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts this year.

Those trousers do make you butt look big. (followed by a single gun shot. I am acquitted).

I thought you liked fruit cake.

We are doing an ugliest Christmas sweater contest this year.

You can get women’s clothing using a  Cabela’s gift card. Refer back to #2 on my list.

The turkey was not cooked thoroughly. That shade of blue on your face really brings out your eyes.

Why is the husband sitting on Santa’s lap?

 Here is what I want to hear, what I long to hear this holiday season:

Merry Christmas

Happy Christmas

 Have a Merry

 Feliz Navidad

Frohe Weihnachten

Joyeux Noël

Buon Natale

Feliz Natal

メリークリスマス

С Рождеством

Vrolijk kerstfeest

God jul

Veselé vánoce

Mutlu Noeller

 May your days be merry and bright

Happy Hanukkah

Happy Chanukah

Happy Chanukkah

Happy  Chanuka

The Festival of lights

Festival of Dedication

Chag Chanuka Sameach

Chanuka Sameach

חג חנוכה שמח

I have a little dreidel I made it out of clay.

Can we just put aside all our differences  and wish each other peace, love and happiness during the month of December? Does it really matter how we say it as long as we believe in the message of good will to all?

I was at a holiday party this weekend and when people started to leave the expressions they used took over the sentiment they wanted to convey. Does have a merry and a happy need to be said instead of Merry Christmas and Happy Happy Chanukah? We come to this festive time of the year and act like Chanukah and Christmas are dirty words.

And you know what – if someone wishes me a Happy Chanukkah or Merry Christmas and really means it, then my heart is filled with what this holiday season is all about. Presents.

Now if they give me eight days of gifts I will be wear the ugliest Christmas sweater while walking down Fifth Avenue.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Happy New Year to You All.

And my hair did not catch on fire.

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That insane, screaming woman in red with the flattest butt I have ever seen shows up on my TV screen. This is not coming from being jealous, but if you didn’t see the Black Friday commercial (over and over and over again) then you will have no idea what I am talking about. Now, I am jealous about that. Yes, Target, I want to thank you for bringing back into my nightmares every boggy woman who ever tried to slip me in between my mattress and inner spring when I was a young girl. That totally insane blond lunatic who screamed about sales wins the cracked (with sharp, potentially deadly edges) ornament award. I hope she is a bleeder. If you see her on the Christmas commercials – stare directly into the sun. It will be less painful.

 I know I should boycott TV during this time of the year, but then I wouldn’t know how many women didn’t rat out a politician until he was running for president. It’s okay to let the vermin out of the trap when he is relatively unknown. You better not get a book deal. The heads of every deserving future author will be exploding to the 12 Days of Christmas.

Why does every holiday song have to be re-recorded? I know I will be stalked by Justin Bibber fans, but you can’t listen to the classics? They are really quite good. Call me old-fashioned. No, I take that back. Come to my house and let’s compare the versions. I’ll take out my Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas album and let’s see who wins. And then we can share a bowl of spiked egg nog while singing along to the Gangster Rap Oh Holy Night CD.

When you ask someone who you have to buy a present for and they sheepishly reply, “I don’t need anything” or my favorite, “No, really, don’t buy me anything.” Why can’t we take them at their word? Why would they lie to us? For the record, I carry a list around on me 365.242199 days of the year. All you got to do is ask.

When you go down to the basement and you discover that a few of your cats have been playing hockey with a kitty poop. I know this has nothing to do with the holidays; it just gets on my nerves.

When those holiday cards start to show up in the mailbox and out slips a typed holiday letter ranting about the most perfect marriage and kids in the whole universe. One of the best things my late father ever did was to retaliate and write his own “Bad Santa” holiday letter. I think I was pregnant for 15 years in a row and most of my other siblings were in and out of treatment centers. My mother was not amused, and could be heard singing through clenched teeth, “Hail the new, ye lads and lasses, for you get nothing but coal in your stockings. Fa la la la la, la la la la.”

And finally, can somebody buy me a damn Lexus? I don’t need another stinking pair of leg warmers. The 80s are long over.

I can just hear Ebenezer Scrooge questioning why everyone got on his case about how he observed the holidays.

 God bless us everyone.

 Bah Humbug.

© 2011 My Views from the Edge ™

 You can become a fan of mine on Facebook at: elizabeth cassidy Views from the Edge with a Slice of Reality

Follow me on Twitter at: EdgyCoach

© 2011 My Views from the Edge ™

Please visit my site: My Views From The Edge

You can become a fan of mine on Facebook at:  elizabeth cassidy Views from the Edge with a Slice of Reality

Follow me on Twitter at: EdgyCoach

No related posts.

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