Grandma shouldn’t be lying around in a drunken stupor on the roof anyway. She was just asking for it!

I am not a very conservative person. In fact, I don’t think you will find anything about me that is conservative…except for one thing…..Christmas. Not the religious aspect of it,  but the decorations, Santa and his reindeers and the music. Okay, I might be perceived as being a heathen, but let’s just say that I want to keep the look of Christmas alive.

And you won’t find that in an emaciated Santa Claus. Go eat some reindeer food and bulk up or have some of Grandma’s plate full of carbs. She’s been run over by a reindeer and won’t be home for hours. And don’t go to CVS and buy their brand of cotton balls and hot glue them together to make a beard. I have never hit Santa before, but there is always a first time. I know in my younger days, I bit a few, but I didn’t get what I wanted the year before so I felt a warning was in order.

We went to a garden center a few weeks ago. To buy spring bulbs. Walter is living on Australia time. I would too, if it involved waking up with Hugh Jackman. But it probably doesn’t.  I went and checked on the decorations and found Santa’s chair. He would be landing at 10. It’s 9:30 and I can wait. Walter wants to leave, but I use my womanly charms to keep him there. I give him my dagger eye look that I reserve only for him. He melts.

So at 5 after 10, Santa walks in. Like he could care less. By this time I am the oldest person in the room and the only one to catch the blase’ attitude.  Hey, Mr. Idiot, you’re Santa Claus. These kids are so excited to see you. Could ya muster up a little for the little ones? And who does your beard and how long have you been on the Atkins diet? I leave in utter disgust.  I tell a seven year old that that  there is no Santa.  Kidding. Even I can’t be that mean. Well, I can, but you have to be able to vote before I can turn on you.

When I am driving around in my element and in my Element, I put on the stations playing Christmas music. A family tradition was to blast Christmas music on the 4th of July.  And you know the windows are wide open. My father started it and some of us still do it. No wonder we are nomads. The village people burnt us out of our homes. Wait…wrong holiday.

So why does every one-hit wonder have to put out a Christmas CD? Your first song sucked and now you want to sing “Silent Night?” Get away from me and get away from the mic. And we don’t need drum solos nor do we need you to hit one note that goes on for 5 –6 minutes? Mariah are you listening, girl? Don’t change the tempo on “O Holy Night.” I will not be getting down with my bad self when I hear that and I advise that you don’t go there either. Have you ever had reindeer poop thrown at you? There is always a first time.

And who is the horse’s ass who wrote “Dominic The Donkey?”  I may only be half Italian, but I can kill you with a look.  Don’t ever think of ever writing something like that again. if I don’t get you, God certainly will.

Pink is not a Christmas color. End of story.

Santa lands on rooftops by using reindeer power. He doesn’t use a Nascar car. Next thing you will tell me is that you spotted Santa at Daytona. Nope. That is just some fat slob who can’t hold his liquor. NOT Santa. Santa hates Halloween so don’t put him out with all the pumpkins and Harry Potter costumes.  You won’t have to worry about getting coal in your stockings if you do that. We’ll just burn you at the stake.

I think of Christmas as a time for good old fashioned traditions. Beautifully decorated trees, smoke coming out of the chimneys presents for me, candy canes and greeting cards from family and friends we rarely see and more presents for me.. I see strangers wishing me “good tidings, my good woman” before they cut me off in traffic.

Warms your heart does it?

Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night! Wait one second here…..MERRY CHRISTMAS! There I said it.