elizabeth: Today I went for a mammogram. I compare it to a man getting his penis stuck in a vice that is controlled by a monkey high on  crack. I have yet to meet a Mammography Technologist (had to look it up. I thought it was more like the head mistress of an S&M club) to administer a mammogram on me that did not cause me to have my life flash in front of me. Alerting them that perhaps my breasts are in fear of the machine and them only makes the drool spill off their lips and unto the floor in huge puddles. One of those people just went “oh well.” Oh really. Bitch.

Laurie: Would you rather she said “Slap ‘em up here, girlie, and let’s get this over with?”

elizabeth: Today this person was behind a Plexiglas wall (what am I carrying – the plague?) and all over it were little plastic flowers and the words Spring has Sprung. I just relaxed right away and asked for the super-duper version. Are you kidding me? Eight year olds don’t come in for mammograms so get that stupid stuff off that wall. So now I was tense and agitated about being treated like a child. A big child with scaredy cat breasts. Now hold your breath. How about I bite your arm until I draw blood?

Laurie: Yeah, that Plexiglas wall makes me a little nervous.  You’re zapping my bare naked breasts, standing in another room, fully dressed, and you think you need protection?  It’s like when my dentist puts on the clear plastic helmet, the goggle glasses, and three pairs of rubber gloves.  What the hell are you planning on doing in my mouth?  Whatever it is, he’s got an “emergency eye wash” sink in the corner.  Keep your eyes outta my mouth.

elizabeth: Why the hell do I have to redo all my medical records each year when we come in for a check up? Do little Martians with day-glow antennas come in and steal my forms while the world slumbers?  I am just fine when they ask “has anything changed since last year?” I tell them I am trying to watch less TV, drink more wine and am collecting bugs and dressing them up like the Amish.  Today I got a 10-page form. A ten page form. The nice girl highlighted in yellow what I need to answer. It was all of it. A yellow marker had to die so I could see what I had to fill out.  I was vivid.  I refused to fill out the race section. For the record I am part of the human race. Who wants to slap you because all that pertinent info should be in your computer.  Where it is supposed to be. Go to the tab next to your Facebook page and there should be my medical records. Next year I am putting down Sarah Palin’s name. You think you have seen a pit-bull with lipstick before? Not the democratic version.

Laurie: Well, that’s the easiest question of all.  If you didn’t renew your medical records every year, children of doctors and dentists everywhere would have to go to substandard colleges and their parents would be forced to take hum-drum vacations.  Not to mention, the lab technicians, the receptionists, and the makers of the human testing/torture machines.  Because I don’t want to bring tears to your eyes, I will refrain from mentioning the insurance companies that are forced to increase their premiums – how are they supposed to justify their ridiculous rates that no one can afford?

Hey, were you vividly livid or lividly vivid?  Just curious.

elizabeth: All of the above.

© 2010, Coaches on the Edge ™

If you would like to learn more about Laurie, please go to her site: Empowered Life Journeys.

Stop by at elizabeth’s site at: Branching Out Life Coaching