elizabeth: I know this will be our first blog with more male readers than women because I threw the word “bra” into the headline. And now I am not 
sure if I want to talk about bras. These annoying mammary mashers in the front and those “back fat” strappy devices can turn me from a nice, genteel woman into a close relative of Joan Crawford, only I am on a crack cocaine drip and sleep deprived. And these things have been around since about 2000 BC. Granted, they were a slightly different model – the “let it all hang out” brasserie would never work today. Too many men in the emergency room with whiplash and there goes our new health care plan.
Laurie: Could we go back to you being a genteel woman for a minute?
elizabeth: We have the late Jessica Smith to thank for the modern day version. Her breasts were so big that her husband decided that he was too busy to hold them up for her all day so this poor woman had to come up with some pulley device to hold her girls in place. I am just glad that they are both dead. Although I wouldn’t mind digging up their graves and throwing dirt at them. I just got new ones and they felt just fine. I am now ready to move my living room furniture into the store’s dressing room because that was the last time I felt like I was not being strangled to death. I am planning on going into the store and stoning the bra fitter.
Laurie: I am assuming that by new “ones” we are referring to bras, not breasts. A genteel woman with brand new fake breasts would be a bit hypocritical, don’t you think?
elizabeth: I got a beef with bleach. Why doesn’t it work like they say it will? I come from over 20 years in the advertising field so I know about lying. I got out of the field because the guilt was too much. Mothers of small children pointed their fingers at me and I was denied housing because I sold people on buying everything that Bloomingdale’s offered. So now bleach doesn’t work for me. Three white tee shirts showed up one day with food stains on the front. I have no idea how that happened. Threw them into the washing machine with bleach and now I have three white shirts that look like I have the Shroud of Turin on them. I will be touring with them this summer.
Laurie: Thanks heavens we are off breasts, but unfortunately I have to bring us right back to the upfront subject. Perhaps your new breasts are serving as a mantle for any food dropped from your mouth? I find that happens and I don’t even have a big bosom. I would highly recommend that you never leave home without a Tide pen because that little sucker actually does work. Walk around telling people they have a spot on their boobs and offer them the pen and you have a friend for life. Don’t actually point to the spot or touch it; that could stir up a whole bunch of other problems.
elizabeth: My new slogan for a stress free life: Once you wear black, you never go back.
Laurie: Unless you are eating white food. Do you believe we did an entire blog about breasts and bleach? Talent running rampant here.
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